i am currently failing at life.

this may not come as a suprise considering i whine about it every 2 seconds.
but it is really becoming an issue.
i leave assignments either to the last minute, or wait until they're overdue.
i justify this by saying 'everyone does it the night before!' or 'people have done worse' or 'one more day, another 5%, that can't hurt right?'
i have no idea what i want to do with my life.
fair enough, no-one really knows what they want in 5, 10, 20 years time.
but i don't know what i want by the end of the month.
i feel like i'm constantly on holidays, cruising along, no real responsibility, no real goals, no real commitments. hello, you're a student. study.
i either can't or won't save money. instead i spend it on food or cheap dresses.
i don't give a shit about my work. i take my employment for granted.
i am surrounded by motivated people. people who study on saturday nights & people who turn down social activities to finish an assignment. people who spend hours everyday perfecting their art & people who wake up at 5am everyday to train.
i am honestly afraid that eventually i will become so lazy & hopeless & unmotivated that my friends & boys & strangers won't even want to know me.

i think the real problem is that there is honestly no-one to blame but myself.
this mood, this stress, this post is all just a product of my own procrastination.

then again, i am 18. perhaps i'm supposed to fail history so that i don't do anything like that again. perhaps i'm supposed to make mistakes. but i don't like feeling like i've dissapointed people. fuck i am so easily influenced.

i just need it to be summer so that i can sit on a hotel balcony in st kilda with some of my favorite people & convince myself that, whilst i'm not there yet, i will be one day, & while i wait there is the sun & kisses & the beach & vodka & ice cream & friends.


ps xx