my other reason for existence is this sick bitch.

mah fave nigga f4r lyffffff.

Pretty much decided that garlic bread is my reason for existence.

Why must I go to work JUST as the Lizzie Maguire movie starts on channel 7?

Sahhh not cool.

BOXING DAY SALES!

my pretty pretty new maxi dress :)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

My sick new tights.

My beautiful Docs.

IT Crowd Season 4.

My loverly new vest.

My sister's rude finger.

i know you were just trying to be a good person but please, please stop making me cry.

why aren't i good enough?

'Fuck it.'

'What?'

'Like Chris. He said fuck it, I'll do it my way. And the people that love me will understand why I'm doing it, because they love me.'

one of the coolest cats i know.

such a wonderful soul.

I just love this show...

there is nothing i wouldn't do for you.

i'll never have the moon.

the greatest thing i will ever experience is having friends like you.

Dear Disney.

Happy Birthday.

You are incredible, you are brilliant, you are the best.

You will do great things.



I love you.

"Life's about a hell of a lot more than being happy. It's about feeling the full range of stuff: happiness, sadness, anger, grief, love, hate. If you try and shut one of those off, you shut them all off. I don't want to be happy. I know I won't live happily ever after. I want more than that, something richer. I want to get right up close to the beauty and the ugliness. I want to see it all. The richness and poverty, the sweetness and the sadness. That's the best way I can honor my friends who died. That's the best way I can honor my parents, who brought me into this world. That's the best way I can lead a life that I can be proud to call my own. I want to experience everything it has to offer: LIFE."

- Ellie Linton, The Other Side Of Dawn (John Marsden)

i actually am.

isn't that nice?

"just another soldier, on the road to nowhere"

i can feel the tears sitting on my neck.
they're cold...kind of refreshing on such a warm night.
i don't like the fact that i'm crying.

it makes me feel dehydrated.

it makes my face wet.

it makes me feel stupid.

both sides of my pillow are wet so i have to lie on my back, looking up at the ceiling.
my nose keeps running.

i'm crying over how sick you are.
i'm crying over that awkward conversation.
im crying over you.
i'm crying over that 'fight'.
i'm crying over how much i love you.
i'm crying from embarassment.
i'm crying a lot.

i don't know what exactly made me jump out of bed at 1am & write this down.
in my head it sounded so painfully beautiful, so poetic.
now, digitalised & black&white it feels fake.
nothing ever looks as good as it does in your imagination.
i need to sleep. i need to turn my pillow over & sleep.

this actually fucking sucks.
this actually fucking sucks.
this actually fucking sucks.
this actually fucking sucks.
this actually fucking sucks.
this actually fucking sucks.
this actually fucking sucks.
this actually fucking sucks.


so stop being weird, stop being confusing & stop changing your mind.

"i can't talk about felicity. it just makes me upset. you're not the same person you were two years ago."

my parents hate me.

they love me as a daughter

they hate me as a person.

fanfuckingtastic.

things i did today:

bought floral docs from america.

worked.

ate ice cream from the tub.

watched secret diary of a call girl.

realised it is my birthday tomorrow.

thought about what i want to wear tomorrow night.

listened to the same some song 3 times.

congratulated my best friend on finishing exams.

bought floral docs from america.

you just have too much pride don't you?

"may the best of your past be the worst of your future."

I also wouldn't mind having these shoes on my feet...

I. AM. OBSESSED.

I. AM. GETTING. FLORAL. DOCS. FOR. MY. BIRTHDAY.

NO. ONE. KNOWS. MY. LEVEL. OF. EXCITEMENT.

I love that feeling when you know you have some amazing weekends coming up.

I love that feeling when you find something amazing at an op shop.

I love that feeling when you're having a sleepover with your best friend in 2 days.

I love that feeling when you start getting excited for your birthday!

(we live young)

my stomach won't decide if it's hungry or full :S

i have said it a million times before but...

i love, worship, adore & would be lost without my best friend.

(i have more than one. each one literally gives my existence meaning)

I'M PISSED OFF AND ANNOYED AND DISSAPOINTED WITH A LOT OF DIFFERENT PEOPLE AT THE MOMENT BUT I CAN'T TELL THEM THAT BECAUSE I'M BEING IRRATIONAL.

this is so frustrating.

i was not built to be kept inside for days at a time without physical social ineraction.

i hate dissapointing people.

even if they've dissapointed me before.

even if it's due to something i cannot avoid - aka tonsilitis.

i adore my friends.

ohhhh how grand this weekend shall be.

This is actually the tattoo that I want, if I ever were to get one.

Either there, on my wrist, or somewhere more subtle like behind my ear.

That is if I ever actually work up the guts to get one.

my life motto - be happy.

New earringssSSZzZzzZz...

love is fucked.

in a good way. in a bad way. it's fucked.

"I've always considered myself a bit of a lone wolf"

I could never be a lone wolf. I love socialising too much.

KJBDKJEHWLY4RSKLCANSKLRN.QWDOPJE3.';D.';AJKJHDFKQLNCAXNCBZMAPQPEW

JUST HAD THE BEST COFFEE & TALKING SESSION OF MY LIFE.

I FUCKING LOVE MY FRIENDS.

AHHHH MY HEART IS BURSTING WITH LOVE RIGHT NOW.

AHHHH I FEEL SO LUCKY.

AHHHH I LOVE EVERYTHING & EVERYONE!

Fluro bike shorts...

year 7 & beyond.

holy fuck i love you.

oh my dear darling boy.

you'll always be a favourite :)

i love you x

i love you roxy chick.

i think you're wonderful.

the girl is similar to the ocean.

she can be crazy, insane, untamed.

she can be calm, still, relaxed but still humming with energy.

she can be powerful, intimidating, strong.

she is beautiful. she is brilliant. she is talented.

like the ocean, she is a creature of endless passion.

endless creativity. endless wildness. endless love.

the waves of her amazingness crash upon the shores of her friends.

no one who meets her is left unaffected because she is unique.

she is herself.

like the ocean, there is a great depth to her. she knows who she is.

she knows what she wants and she will always figure out a way to get it.

i feel honestly lucky to know her.

i feel honestly lucky to call her my friend.

i feel honestly lucky to have witnessed her talent.

i love you swan.

best wardrobe, best girl.

someone to be proud of me.

i am currently failing at life.

this may not come as a suprise considering i whine about it every 2 seconds.
but it is really becoming an issue.
i leave assignments either to the last minute, or wait until they're overdue.
i justify this by saying 'everyone does it the night before!' or 'people have done worse' or 'one more day, another 5%, that can't hurt right?'
i have no idea what i want to do with my life.
fair enough, no-one really knows what they want in 5, 10, 20 years time.
but i don't know what i want by the end of the month.
i feel like i'm constantly on holidays, cruising along, no real responsibility, no real goals, no real commitments. hello, you're a student. study.
i either can't or won't save money. instead i spend it on food or cheap dresses.
i don't give a shit about my work. i take my employment for granted.
i am surrounded by motivated people. people who study on saturday nights & people who turn down social activities to finish an assignment. people who spend hours everyday perfecting their art & people who wake up at 5am everyday to train.
i am honestly afraid that eventually i will become so lazy & hopeless & unmotivated that my friends & boys & strangers won't even want to know me.

i think the real problem is that there is honestly no-one to blame but myself.
this mood, this stress, this post is all just a product of my own procrastination.

then again, i am 18. perhaps i'm supposed to fail history so that i don't do anything like that again. perhaps i'm supposed to make mistakes. but i don't like feeling like i've dissapointed people. fuck i am so easily influenced.

i just need it to be summer so that i can sit on a hotel balcony in st kilda with some of my favorite people & convince myself that, whilst i'm not there yet, i will be one day, & while i wait there is the sun & kisses & the beach & vodka & ice cream & friends.


ps xx

dear dear me.
I'm sick.

Bit of an issue...