Exploded with love...

kahboom SPLAT.
did you hear that?
my heart, it exploded.
after you said this.
"all the people that mean something are in this room"
you see that right there?
it's just plain lovely.
sorry i was weird.
sorry i didn't laugh more.
your hug was nice.
pretty sure she does that to you.
pretty much the only reason i like her.
you're happy.
it's...lovely.

Crying for no reason...

miss him.
ignored.
annoying.
imposing.
hormonal.
new people.
snapped at.

miss him. miss him. miss him. miss him. miss him.

i don't know what's wrong with me.

"you are disgusting & i hate you"

"then why are you still holding my hand?"

chuck & blaire

Electric...

cute baby.
"how old is he?"

"SHE is 1"

awkward times.

think i might have a new job.

excitement.

still have to keep the old one.

non-excitement.

mechanical animal gig last night.

amazing brilliant talent.

caught a monkey.

favorite drove me home.

dangerous driver.

had a great laugh with madkid & tin about favorite's druken escapades.
hilarious.

sober maccas at midnight.

horrible blisters on my feet.

veronica mars watching with vm today.

pumpeddddddd.

want to go out tonight.

fuck you 7am start.

i know it's rude, but i'd rather go out, kiss boys, spend heaps of money & get home at 6am than go to your party at which i will be bored, sober, awkward & cold.

happiness over unhappiness.

sorry, but i'm not going to waste my saturday night.

a) going to LA ROUX!

b) MARCH 3RD

"there are 3 things that matter..."

What I do like is...

when you can do cartwheels on a cricket pitch at 9:42pm without feeling like you're being judged & laughed at.

when a boy is cold so a girl gives him her jacket.

when you work for 3 hours and laugh for 2 hours of it.

fresh sheets on your bed.

photobooth photos.

"i would turn off my phone, tell everyone it's broken, so they'd think that i was sleeping alone..."

"i'll break your heart"

"maybe i'll break yours"

"nobody breaks my heart."

effy stonem.

Candles...

"c'mon baby, do the twist..."

From tiger...

honestly had this discussion with snuggle today.

everyone has one.

everyone always will.

we move on. we deal. we find other people.

Sensibility...

sensible weekend.
"nothing sensible is fun"
well that's a lie.

waited for a bus.
realised i forgot my retainer.
3 mins till bus.
ran home.
ran back to the bustop.
made the bus.
winnerrrr.

saturday saw the best friends i never see.
a team.

around them i am:
-happy
-myself
-loud
-annoying
-surrounded by love.

oh, & i'm myself.
that's what i like best.

bought stuff i really don't need.
ate stuff i really didn't need to eat.

'buzzas' for dinner.
(burritos = buzzas)

still attempting to get over some rude remarks.

kinda in love with bash.
especially cause she's reading this...

just had a lovely night.



next day took a bus.
walked for 15mins.
got to best's house.
rung the doorbell.
waited.
looked for her key.
waited.
looked again.
found the key.
let myself into her house.
put the folio on her bed.
wrote her a note.
stole some cordial.
left.
walked for 15mins.
caught a bus,
got subway,
caught a bus home.
took. too. long.


city with snuggle today.
basically spent our time sitting in different places to eat & chat.
'twas lovely.
"banana buzz with blueberries please"



still haven't figured out my timetable.
oops.


nervous about working at a different job...



"i'm well, but the world is a little unwell..."

I kinda wish I had something like this...

"you're not who i thought you were. you're an empty poisonous smile."

"jal, what do you want me to say? i don't know what i'm meant to say. jal, look at me. i was perfectly happy killing myself. but then you asked me to try. and for the first time in my life it felt like somebody actually gave a shit. that person was worth trying for. and now, i'd make the worlds record sandwich if you asked me to. i'd kick old granny in the tits. i'd fill the river with panda pops. i'd..."

"stop."

"i fucked up big time. i'm more than sorry. i love you jal. you're my whole world."

So it's true...

someone really does love me as much as i love them.

lucky. i am so lucky.

i love you.

Life...

"life is hard. life is short. life is painful. life is rich. life
is...precious." - adore this quote/tagline.

Reminders...

it really was a great night.

i love how photos can bring back memories.

feelings.

emotions.

thoughts.

words.

memories.

"all the crazy shit i did last night, those'll be the best memories..."

Children...

we read our favorite childhood picture books to one another last night.
these are the days.
the days to live.
no commitments.
just happiness.
just fun.
just life :)

I just can't...

figure her out

still confused.

still worried.

still love.

still friends.

am i a bad friend?

Chill Bill...

saw disney this arvo...

fucking love him.
i might be seeing Alice in Wonderland with him.
aka going to the premiere on a double best friend date.
this would literally be the highlight of my life.



saw frenchie tonight.
finally.
was marvelled by the moon.
awks chat with his dad.

went and sat on a park bench.
chatted about life.

created a hand band.
"i was trying to combine the words hands and band, so i thought i replace the b with a h but then i realised that's just hands."

wrestled.
spat.
sat upside down.
climbed a pole.
stood in a shopping trolley.
got a piggyback.

gave frenchie an ego boost.

honestly saw a shooting star at 11:11pm.
honestly a magical moment.
wishes were made.


"so basically, don't have a four way."




"as if by magic, thoughts of you are gone..."

i'm terrified.

i'm scared.

do i worry too much?

do i worry for nothing?

how can i help?

how can i be better?

please don't.

for my sake.

don't.

"courage merry, courage for our friends"

independance. determination. courage.

Watch this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZpwsE1ZZqI

Save your day...

For Good...

"i've heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn, and we are lead to those who help us most to grow if we let them, and we help them in return. now i don't know if i believe that's true, but i know i'm who i am today because i knew you"

i love her. i love her. i love her.

This is love...

finally realised that i have never felt as comfortable & happy as i do around my family.
they make me laugh.
their kindness makes me cry.
their stories keep me entertained.
& their love makes me happy.
i like the person that i am around them.
i like the way they make me feel.
this is love.


model's going away party.
highlights.
-disney drinking beer in his uniform
-cutie & i wrestling & laughing
-swan & gangsta singing/rapping/beat boxing
-rocking & hitting favorite's car

model gave out homemade cards.
everyone cried.
"this is too fucking emotional man."


headed into the hawthorn.
didn't really like it the second time either.

saw famous.
hot dang i should've macked him.

saw 2789423 people i knew.
or had met once.

watched brother's amazing drink-stealing techniques.


massive chat with brother.
have realised that he truly is a role model in my life.
& i love him like a brother.

cutie & messy = adorable & soooo into each other.


hawthorn closed.
went to find brother's goon.
found an unopened bottle of champers.
skulled it down.

went to nevermind.
sat outside.
brother 'read me'.

"1. you're 85-90% more insecure than people think.
2. you really have no idea what you want to do with your life or where you want to go. you could be more than you are.
3. you're scared of being in a relationship because you don't know what a relationship entails because you've never experienced it."

the most honest & correct interpretation of me.
(defs a bit different, but i can't remember it properly)


met up with sister.
got driven home (Y)

had 3 hours sleep.
went to work.

had an ok shift...
until it ended.
then it became phenomenal.

model came to pick me up.
to say goodbye.
"i didn't want to say goodbye drunk"
i have never been more touched.
"you're the last person i'm gonna see before i leave"
i love her.



off to experience some awkward times in this life of mine...


"i wish i could do better by you cause that's what you deserve..."

Mechanimals...

i am a mechanimal.

&...

i hope she knows how beautiful she is and how much i love her.

After hours...

friday.
braces off party.

few drinks, family, laughs.
bombshell = crying in the toilet.
ftf cheered me up.

everyone crashed reasonably early.
so best, disney, gangsta, snuggle & i went for a maccas run.
got a taxi to drive thru us for free.
sitting under the flouresent lights warm in the company of those i love.

gangsta munted up his maccas.
the maccas he so badly wanted.

"you're one of my closest girlfriends"
"really?"
"of course!"
this is one of the biggest compliments i've ever gotten.

best sleep ever with snuggle & best.

had a ridiculous dream about a duck trying to bite my toes.

watched the boat that rocked.
"you just stay silent until the tension becomes unbearable. then you just turn to them and say 'how bout it then?'"
honestly believe i would die if this happened to me.

trekked home.
ate the best pie for lunch.
HEAVEN.

took forever to choose an outfit for rats.
finally chose one, ran out of the hosue with a double black in a drink bottle.
on the train to the city.
40 year old AC/DC man "for those ready to ROCK!".
followed by silence...
so he tried again 6 stations later.
ha.

basically first in line at rats.
got in, swan's band was setting up.
when they came on, i officially lost my shit.
MECHANICAL ANIMAL ARE GODS AMONG MEN.
seriously, get on this shit.
they are amazing.
set included fake blood, leotards, megaphones, rabbit ears and fake guns.
brilliant.
swan = the new gaga.

had some good dances, met some nice people.
saw jack, boy i've hooked at rats before.
conversation was as follows:
*recognise one another*
me: i know you!
him: yeah! i know you! remember my name?
me: ...sam?
him: jack.
me: OH YEAH! JACK FINN! remember mine?
him: it begins with 'a'...
me: no.
him: F! Fiona?
me: i would rather die than be called that.
him: Felicia?
me: close...
him: Felicity?
me: yes.
*pashing ensues*
him: happy valentines day
me: do you have a valentine?
him: no.
me: do you wanna be my valentine?
him: yes. yes please.
*pashing ensues*


got 800 photos by hubert.
"why'd you cover your face?"
"cause i look gross"
"i beg to differ"
"your the photographer, you have to say that"
"i don't have to say shit."
*knees weaken, face blushes, heart pounds*
i most definalty have a crush on this ear-plug wearing, glasses adorned photographer.
really.


met up with sis.
left.
walked out into the pouring rain.
splashing through the streets of melbourne.
maxi home.
happy meals with snuggle (Y)

great sleep.
got up watched flight of the concords.
went into work, snuggle went home.
work loves me.

guitar came over.
watched videos.
seriously, VIDEOS.
so cool.
good to catch up, love that kid.

fish & chips.
"hey asian, welcome to australia"
"thanks flick"
haha.


reasonably content with life.



"time isn't wasted when you're getting wasted..."

Stop...

can't you just stop being a fucking emo & attention seeking whore?

Dear model,

so go. follow your dreams & further your career. but when you're rich & famous, take a minute & remember that i loved you more than you will ever know & that i'm sorry.

love i.






"female definition of a hustler..."

"ok, let's stop this being nice thing, it's freaking me out."

- frenchie

You're gonna wanna see this....

got your attention?


good. i like attention.






















kisses confuse me.
how do they work exactly?
why don't your teeth knock?
why don't your tongues choke each other?
how do you breathe?
how do your lips fit together?
why is it wet?
why is it dry?
how can you feel it so clearly?
how can you forget it so quickly?
why are some good?
why are some bad?
& why is it that sometimes when you look at some people all you can think about is what it would be like to kiss them?

Best...

"wanna know how much i love you?" she asked
"how much?"
"go outside when it's raining. catch drops on your tongue. the ones you catch are how much you love me. the ones you miss are how much i love you."

ever find people in your life that you honestly cannot live without?




"How'd i turn my shirt inside out?..."

fuck. marry. kill.

"Damn, that's crazy..."

Saturday...

was faaannnnntastic.


went out to late lunch with disney, gangsta & best.
sat in a cafe for 2 hours.
moved to nandos.
sat there for 2 hours.
had the kind of conversations that are so rare.
the kind that only occur with true friends.




was late getting home.
family gone.

threw together an outfit.
sex picked me up.
...sex is a person.
she stole my dresses.



got to sex's house.
tried on different outfits.
chose one.
did make up.
changed outfit.
left the house with a pop top of vodka.


met up with stunner at 7/11.
she brought goon (Y)



got on the train.
4 stations later a fight broke out.
shat my pants/couldn't stop laughing.
realised moari guys can save lives.
they kicked him off the train.
tried to call gangsta, he wouldn't pick up.


stupid bitch said i was 'stuck in the 80's'
rude.



went to a hotel room & drank.
met some indie kids.
one was called casper.
a) amazing name
b) he had a brilliant american indian headpiece. i want it.


got to rats, was really quite drunk.


met awesome people.
danced.
drank.
the night is in snippets.


these girls at the bar ordered a beer.
it was frothing.
tried to help clear the froth.
knocked over the beer.
ended up paying for it...
gave it to sex.


met a boy called hugh.
he was sweet, he was cute, he was funny.
he had a ninja turtle necklace.
he was a great kisser.
he was a great dancer.
he was brilliant.
must stop talking about him..

left at 5:10.
walked down the street.
saw hugh and his friends.
chatted & laughed.
left them for cheeseburgers.



met guy, a 38 year old Israli.
"are you smoking weed?"
"yes, yes I am"
sex & coolkid got stoned.



maccas was on breakfast.
went to hungry jacks.
met two weird kids.
homeless man.
"beautiful names for a beautiful ladies"
pretended to have a boyfriend.
managed to catch the 6:30 bus.
mega win.
fell asleep and was rudely awoken.

slept at sex's.

world's best sleep.

woken by frenchie.

he had gone to work and back in the time i had been asleep.

went over & watched him eat a sandwhich with a knife & fork.

not even a joke.

soooooo as it turns out, i love life.

"yo mama she goes crazy..."

Watch out here I come...

"i'll run away with you. i'll run away with you..."

Whip it good...

honestly had one of the best nights of my life last night.
orange whip with doctor & cutie.
went off.

night began with nandos and ice cream.
"i think i'm gonna get a fun cone"
"ohhhh they look fun!"
this girl got 99.7

pre-drinks at cutie's.
vok, vodka & self timer photos.
raspberry spilt everywhere.
became queen of the carpet clean.

got dropped off at 9:16.
line was already huge.
got in a video.
attempted to get in quicker by 'getting our hot on'.
finally worked.
skipped the line, made it for the $4 entry & 2 free drinks.

danced.
sweated.
sat & drank.
danced.
sweated.
waited for cutie & messy to hook up.
sat & drank.

$3 shots.
"i've never been this scared in my life!"
"doctor, calm down"

met berni.
hung out with berni.
he named his camera after me.
i heart berni.

skittle bombs are amazing.

met architect & engineer.
2 free midoris.
i wanted architect.
architect wanted i.
engineer wanted doctor.
doctor didn't want engineer.
doctor hooked someone else.
architect stood up for his friend.
wouldn't hook up with me.
had 'made a pact'.
my number was saved as "awesome girl :) (flick)"
yello ego boost.

saw berni again.
danced.
cutie & doctor bailed.
"your friends are really obvious"
hooked berni.

got invited into the DJ booth.
got free pulse.
danced in the DJ booth.
controlled the lights.
amazing.

went home, chatted to the taxi man.

took outside self-timers.
fun times.

attempted to sober up in the park.
sat on the playground talking.
realised how wasted we were.

got home.
ate mini cupcakes.
ate salt & viniger chips.
re-realised how drunk we were.

went to bed.
doctor got up to go to work.
yuck.
cutie & i ate toast & watched movies.
both had amazing showers.

mega fucking love.




"show me how you do that trick, the one the makes me scream she said..."

Story...

the girl sat down on her bed.
she spied a handmade book to her right.
she picked it up and flicked through the pages.
in it were photos of the people she loved.
in it were messages from the people she loved.
they had thrown her a suprise party.
she never thought that would ever happent to her.
'wow' she whispered 'i love them. and they love me'
she closed the book.
'wow'.



"i fucked my american girl..." "i loved my english romance..."

Obsession...

"You want the wisdom to know the difference between what you can and can't change? Here's step 13: everything disappears. Love, trees, rocks, steel, plastic, human beings. None of us get out alive. Now you can huddles in a group and face it one day at a time, or you can be grateful that when your body rubs against somebody else's it explodes with enough pleasure to make you forget for even a minute that you're a walking pile of ashes. Now that is the truth. If you're strong it'll make you free, if you're weak, it'll make you...you." - Dr Christian Troy, Nip/Tuck.

I'm unsure...

if i can still call her a 'best friend'.

or even 'one of my closest friends'.

she's just 'one of my oldest friends'.

shit happens.

i'm getting my braces off tomorrow.

mega win (Y)